Build emotional intelligence in your child with learning disabilities and ADHD

Emotional Intelligence – Dealing with emotions

Below are certain ways in which one can help children deal with their emotions

• Observe to see patterns of specific emotions your child may be struggling to manage. For example, if they often get aggressive or angry, try to understand what triggers or leads to such feeling and behaviour. Over time, you may observe some patterns. For example, a child may get upset when you are not able to fulfill their wish. Or a child may regularly get frustrated when asked to write. Recognising these triggers is the first step in working toward the regulation of emotions.
• Similarly, if the child is anxious about school or certain social situations, observe the pattern and break down the situation to understand what exactly makes them uneasy. For example, if the child refuses to go to a birthday party, is it because they do not want to go alone? Do they not have friends there? Do they not feel confident in making conversations or playing in a group? Is there someone they do not want to meet? Figuring out what might be causing the anxiety will help address it.
• Prepare them beforehand. If you know specific situations where the child may feel frustrated, help them prepare for it in advance. Walk them through what the situation or experience might be and how they could deal with it. For instance, if they do not want to go to a party because they feel out of place and cannot initiate conversations, give them a script/prompts to start a conversation. If there is a field trip or an event at school that they may feel anxious about, provide them with a structure of what it might look like and prepare them for their role. Often, structure and predictability help ease out the anxiety.

• If some tasks or situations make them anxious or nervous, help the child break it down. Start with small steps. For example, if a math worksheet makes them anxious, give them one problem at a time. Start with something they know and can do. If they are nervous about going to school, initially have a parent or a sibling go along with them. Next, make them meet a teacher they like or a friend to go along with to the classroom. In the classroom, provide something familiar or enjoyable (it could be anything they like such as Legos or a puzzle, or illustrating or reading a book).
• In terms of their concerning behaviours, start with a doable step, with your support, and gradually increase the level of independence, as you lessen your reliance. This process is called scaffolding and is applicable for any new skill your child may be learning to develop. Do not expect the behaviour to change or the new skill to develop overnight. Recognise their progress and praise them for every positive step completed. Do not give up; consistency is the key.
• If a child is often anxious or frustrated while working, in the classroom or at home, set clear expectations and consistent routines. Mutually develop a schedule with them where they take breaks at regular intervals. For example, they sit in one place and work for 15 minutes then take a five-minute break where they get to do something enjoyable. With younger kids, you may provide rewards (something that they like) at the end of a task. For transitions or changes to be effective, give a warning in advance, like, “We will finish this in 15 minutes and then go to the playground.”
• For older children, who can articulate their feelings and experience, encourage them to talk to or confide in someone. It could be a friend, a mentor, parent, teacher or counsellor, anyone they can trust. Develop the mindset that talking about your emotional experience is healthy and talking will help relieve it.
•  Provide your children with strategies to regulate their emotions. For example:
  • Remind them that they are bigger than their emotions. They are strong and in control of their feelings.
  • Help them recognise what helps them – when they are anxious or upset and what helps them become calm, centred, and refocused. Teach your child to be self-reflective and come up with strategies or alternatives mutually.
  • Encourage them to express their feelings and share with a friend or an adult.
  • Teach calming techniques such as deep breathing, taking a break and sitting in a quiet space, meditating, mindful colouring, listening to calm music, doing a puzzle, using a fidget spinner, counting everything around in a specific colour. Anything that helps them take their mind off the current situation and calm it.
  • Let them practice writing about their emotional experience.